6/24/2004: Moving out, and moving down.

It was my first time to ever speak to an apartment, to give thanks, to say goodbye. Perhaps I was bordering on crazy, but that is what happens to you when you have to let go of something that represents the great things you want for yourself: a good single life in the perfect bachelor's pad on prime property with the best view of an amazing city. I am to get a roommate soon so I had to move to a 2-bedroom apartment. Unfortunately, the only availble unit was 11 floors below. It was tough -- to have to uproot yourself again from a place that's has only lately felt home when you've just lately been uprooted from the home that's always been home. But some things happen that give you some perspective. I was on the elevator with a lady and a man (I had with me in a cart tons of my things to bring to my new apartment). As soon as I got in, the lady with some excitement exclaimed, "Oh you're moving up!". But with a dejected tone I said, "Actually, I'm moving down." All she could say was "Oh I see." Then I had to tell her and the man why I had to move down. And then the man, who probably had some talent in saying the right things (or who, by some grand design had to tell me exactly what I needed to hear), offered this thought, "Well... at least you're still in the same building."

6/16/2004: Believe me when I say...

...that the hardest decisions have the biggest possibility of turning out to best decisions you will ever have to make. I speak from experience, so far counting 2 difficult decisions to be the best I've ever made. Of course when you are at the point when you have to make the decision it is not readily apparent that they will be your best, or which choice is most favorable. But they will turn out to be. That is if you have your heart in the right place when you put your finger to your choice. It takes a leap of faith to trust yourself to make the right choice. The difficult decisions are the most life-altering, sometimes the most heartbreaking, yet ultimately the most rewarding. But it takes a while before they reveal themselves to be perfect choices. There will just be that one day when you are walking along the street or ironing your clothes or brushing your teeth that it will suddenly occur to you, "I was right to make that choice." And then you heave a sigh of relief.

6/12/2004: I’m going to New York...

To see the ‘true America’, as I was advised. But mostly, I’m going there for the fireworks. I hear it is awesome, especially on July 4th celebrations. Of course, also to see a highschool classmate, and maybe also an old classmate from Chicago (who is from Atlanta but now in New York). When someone asked why I was going, I jokingly said I was going to meet someone on top of the Empire State Building. Up until I said it I did not remember that yeah, the Empire State Building is in New York. Having been immortalized in so many movies as the place to meet one’s soulmate, it occurred to me --- what if I did go up there, will I meet her there? How foolish, I thought, because the only one I ever want to meet is nowhere in this continent, but across the Pacific, many miles away. And there is no way she will happen to be there. She is in the place I call home, and she doesn’t know that I utter her name 3 times into the lonely Chicago sky every night, yes, until now, more than a year after we met. I had meant to say goodbye, but something always happens that prevent me from doing so. Truth is everytime I’ve psyched myself up into saying goodbye, that I can actually do it, I see her and then all my feigned bravery crumbles too easily. I once told a friend that my hesitation in putting an end to it is that I feel it is such a waste. How, I said, can there be someone who could make you so happy just by “being” and yet not be able to be with that person, to bask some more in the joy that she gives? If only she knew, there is no place I’d rather be than beside her – not New York, the Empire State, or Chicago – but where she will always be close.

6/09/2004: What a relief when you finally realize...

...that you’ve been wrong. Because then the only way to go is the right way. The moment you recognize the wrong decisions, wrong relationships, wrong aspirations, wrong habits, and wrong deeds – you can finally walk away from it. It becomes liberating. And then you can move on and wait for the right things - the next opportunity to make a good decision, the next chance to choose the right person, the perfect aspiration, the better habit, the kinder deed. Maybe along the way you can get detoured back to the wrong things, but when at the moment of discovery of your mistakes you come to a vivid and firm realization how wrong it all has been, you will have the clarity of perspective and strength of conviction to say, “That’s it, I’m moving on.”

6/05/2004: Something I wrote...

...while I was en route to the US:

What was I thinking, to bring myself into this strange place, all on my own and for so very long? Why leave behind the comfort and familiarity of family and friends? Observing the American flight attendants, I was trying to look for any warmth, a sign of welcome, but there was none. Somehow I was looking for something to ease my anxiety. I needed to know things will be well on this one year US assignment. Genuine smiles would have been nice but they aren’t to be found today.

Looking out my window, I see rocky jagged mountains capped in cold unfriendly snow. It reminds me what this is I bring myself into. Who will survive such frigid conditions – more so if that would extend to the kind of reception you will receive in a strange land?

Then I realize how truly great a sacrifice it is for many Filipinos to uproot themselves from the Philippines and establish new roots in this land of the free. New land, new home, new faces, unfamiliar faces, foreign culture, all by yourself, away from the place you’ve called home since your birth. If someone such as me can think this fearful thoughts on a relatively short stay in the US, what more they who have chosen to make this their home and had bought no return tickets back?

4/19/2004: Puerto Galera hasn't lost its charm...

...but with the myriad people going there all at one time, it's hard to enjoy the place. I guess the best time to see it is during off season -- also the cheapest time. Was there with mm and jason, met their med friends there, saw some co-workers, and college classmates. One night at White beach with them, then another at Sabang with Lennart and Menno. Sabang is geared towards foreigners, but a pinoy like can enjoy it too. It has a different personality from White beach, and so also a different charm. Kinda have a meditterannean feel. Worth a see.

5/21/2004: Chicago would come first, apparently...

But I can't complain. This is the Chicago I like, all green and sunny blue skies, and none of the gray of winter. I had a comfortable 16-hour flight, was sleepy but the good movies begged my eyes from shutting. The meals were even better and more filling. I have the best apartment in the world, big and spacious, fully furnished, with the most awesome views -- Sears tower and the Chicago river to the left, the majestic architecture of the Merchandise mart infront, and the quiet North LaSalle avenue to the right.

4/12/2004: Have just been on a Cordillera adventure...

For the entire Holy week, I was at Sagada-Banaue-Bontoc-Batad-Isabela with friends. What a thrill to be on top of a jeepney traversing the zigzaggy roads with mountains threatening landslides on one side and steep cliffs threatening your doom on the other. It was fun! Met really nice people from all over the Phils. and around the world. I speak Dutch now. :) It was a good and memorable week of long hikes, sore muscles, aching butts, spelunking, bat shit, freezing cave pool swims, yoghurt, mountain tea, wild blueberries, dutch/canadian/singaporean/deaf-mute/ilonggo/painter friends, abaca hats, "goodluck" charms, majestic waterfalls, and lord-of-the-ring-y scenes. Next stop, Mt. Pulag! :) (Or Chicago, whichever comes first)

My Friendster Updates - Prologue

Why even come up with something like this? Well, my Friendster space is running out. I've started on this habit of putting some little updates on myself in the 'About Me' field on Friendster and it's getting to be so long. I wouldn't want to delete them and then lose all the things I've ever written, so I thought I need to have some place to to put them in, and trusty old blogger came to mind.

So here it is, the archives of all Friendster updates I've ever made, if you ever care what I thought at a certain time or what I did that I thought worthy of sharing.

Enjoy! :)

Tristan/Maharlika/Notnot